But some nights, like tonight, I just can't. As tired as I may be, or satisfied as I may feel...I am kept awake by the dim moon light that illuminates through my bedroom blinds. The soft sounds of the creeks and thumps that permeate through the house. Sometimes it's the thunderous screeching and chugging of the passing train, way too close to our house...
Tonight, perhaps it's the scary deafening snoring sounds of the completely exhausted non-sleeper (which is the only way he sleeps)... progressively getting louder.and.louder.
Or...or maybe it's that little unavoidable nagging feeling of the longing in my heart. The kind that is more noticeable at night, during those silent moments, right before you close your eyes. You feel it suddenly as it shows up uninvited, right in that weak instance when you have let your guard down.
It's maddening, when it can't be ignored. When it can't be figured out. For whom or what exactly is it for? Is it craving or nostalgic?
My mind performs a quick scan, first playing a slide show of memories. Mostly of loved ones, past and present. People I miss. Maybe it's them I'm longing for. I quickly try to turn if off because the past is a dangerous place to dwell, for too long. Memories are risky, as they have an ability to play convincing tricks on the mind.
When I fast forward to the future however, the pictures are very unclear. It makes me anxious and fearful. A lot of uncertainty makes the visions blurry and out of place. So I try to turn that off quickly too, because worrying doesn't do any good. Ulcers have taught me that.
It's the plague and curse of a fanatical thinker, to feel and think with your heart. Longing and restless nights are the symptoms. Not sure what may be the medicine. One thing is for sure, I will not rest until I quench the thirst of my longing heart. Even if it means, to search forever.
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